Let me get cranky for a moment, or two or three....

As we are quickly reaching December 31st, I have been looking back over this year, albeit rather superficially. I feel the need to get the cranky bits out of the way before I can move on to the more meaningful basket o' gratitude.

These are a few of the things I wish I could still do......

       put lotion on without getting out of breath
       bend down to do something without getting out of breath
       walk up the stairs without getting out of breath
       put clothes on without getting out of breath
       do something, anything, quickly without getting out of breath
       take a shower
       walk up a hill
       take a nice, long walk - without a wheelchair and especially in a snow storm
       go out for a whole day to do errands
       dance
       laugh - a real belly laugh, loud and long
       sing a whole song

I must stop this, I'm depressing myself   :  (
(Note to self - maybe it's time to consider upping the antidepressant!!!!)

But, there is a decent P.S.......

I CAN laugh, a modest little laugh that gets lost in the crowd, but a laugh nonetheless, and it's mine, all mine. I CAN go out to do errands for a few hours as long as I have a car cigarette lighter or outlet to plug in my oxygen. I CAN dance a little if I use just my top half or just my bottom half and dance like a white person. I CAN sing a line of a song, sit out for a line, and sing the next. Believe me, you won't hear anybody complaining that I'm not singing ---- just sayin'!!! I CAN take a nice, long walk if it's pathetically slow around Ikea with my oxygen concentrator in the shopping cart seat. And, there are times, not all that often, when I CAN go for 5 or 10 or maybe even 15 minutes without oxygen and not feel like a guppy that mistakenly jumped out of the fish bowl to escape pesky cat paws.

So, I guess the take home message is that, in the midst of effin' suckass-ness (please excuse my french), there can be some rays of sunshine that feel nice and warm and renewing and hopeful.

So, take that bee-otch!!!!


wishing you all a Very Happy New Year

XOXOXO    Fran  (aka Towanda)


Oh, and BTW, 2 days ago - cell phone died, car died, and someone tried to hack into my laptop......... wha???????
      

I have the best friends ever.......

My lovely friend Carol just sent me an email that bears sharing. Boy, did she nail it. Thank you Carol     :  )

Thinking of you.

And sending you this little multiple choice quiz:



BESIDES BEING A DAMN GOOD WRITER, I, FRAN, AM

a) almost unbearably itchy

b) burning, to boot

c) doing pretty well

d) sometimes very sad, scared, angry, etc

e) glad to know how much I'm loved

f) glad to be who I am

g) some of the above

h) all of the above


And, the answer, of course, is h) all of the above. But, let me add another entry between f) and g) ----> unbelievably lucky to have such great friends

May you all have a very, very merry whatever-holiday-you-happen-to-celebrate!!!!   XOXOXO  Fran

Is that a desert you're wearing or is it just your skin?

So, it seems that another side effect of Tarceva is dry skin. Now, we're not talking run of the mill it's winter and I need a little lotion kind of dry skin, we're talking award winning, parched, arid, an inch of rain per year, Gobi desert, will the rainy season start already, I can't even believe this is humanly possible kind of dry skin. Who knew you could have skin that feels like it belongs to an elephant? Certainly not me. At any moment I expect to see a herd of Wilda beasts running across my thighs. I'd really rather it be a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer - it is that season after all. I guess I'm a one woman safari experience, and I didn't even have to leave home!!!

It's Christmas today!!!!

OM freakin' G. Just heard from the legal assistant at my disability lawyer's office and I was approved. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!!!!! And it was so fast - faster than the normal  3 to 4 months. I cannot begin to say what a relief it will be to have some income again, although the first payment I'll get will be in April for March. I was actually at the point of thinking, no joke here, that I might not be able to afford to live for any significant length of time. How sick is that? And I don't even have the excuse of lesions on my brain any more. But, wait a minute...... why did I get approved so quickly? They must think the grim reaper facebook friended me already. Oh no he di'int.......... It's a good day today. And, my father is FINALLY getting new hearing aids. Yes, you read it right, he is getting one for each ear and he didn't cheap out this time. Now I won't practically pass out from yelling a conversation with him. It certainly is a good day today!  ; )

I knew I would be tired but this is ridiculous.....

OK peeps, quick thank you, love you, and apology. The outpouring of prayers, emails, cards, dinners, goodies, well wishes, love, and unbelievable support has knocked my socks off, to say the least. I had no idea that the world is filled with so many good people, and I really mean it. Thanks to all of you, my Conestoga wagons, my posse. You have provided me with an opportunity that is so full of grace and goodness to receive the wonders of your hearts. I want you all to know that I so much appreciate every awesome thing you have done for me. I apologize for not being easy to get a hold of, for not letting you know immediately how appreciative I am, and not returning phone calls faster or at all. Just know that nothing has gone unnoticed or unappreciated. You all are THE BEST and I'm sending all of you the biggest, warmest, coziest hugs. XOXOXO    love you   ; )

Thank God I'm a mutant!!!!

Went to oncologist appointment #2 on 11/21/11 after being x-rayed, photographed, poked, prodded, talked about, written about, and otherwise medicalized!! Oh this 15 minutes of fame continues but will I ever make it to the pages of People Magazine? I can only hope. I've been on targeted chemo in pill form (1 pill every day) for about 6 weeks. Thankfully, my lung biopsy showed genetic mutations that make the tumors susceptible to targeted chemo which can be quite effective and carries few side effects. I have developed the Tarceva rash which, as far as chemo side effects go, is no big deal. I simply have a goatee shaped area of acne which rivals anything I had a a real teenager. And, what a bonus, some of it is in the wrinkles going from my nose to my mouth. Presto chango, wrinkles gone. I hate to inform you my middle-aged sisters, but Tarceva is NOT available on the street. Yes, it is a bummer. And don't come begging me for any 'cause I ain't giving any up because, you guessed it, it IS working. Good news, the larger tumor in the left lung is smaller on the x-ray. Yes, I still have a gazillion little tumors in both lungs but the mongo SOB is smaller. Go Tarceva, go!!! Also, what looked like possible lesions on my brain were only shadows. Can we all give a collective sigh on that one?! I'm slightly attached to my brain, and we're not talking just a physical relationship here. She and I have been together for quite some time now and I'm not willing to give her up. Also, the trans vaginal ultrasound I was oh-so-lucky enough to have showed only a few small fibroids - nothing to worry about. But, please don't tell Fran the man - he'll be upset that I got some action on the side - action I could have done without but action nonetheless!! So, I don't have to go back to the oncologist for 6 whole weeks - yea!! I do have to start IV osteoporosis medication to help stabilize my bones in order to avoid spinal fractures in the area of the spinal metastasis. But, bottom line is......... it is official and THANK GOD I'M  MUTANT!!!!!! 

going, going, gone



hair today........



So, I decided to cut off all my hair. I didn't know if I'd have to be on hair-losing chemo or not, but I knew that there was some little girl or boy who needed this hair much more than I did.Thankfully, I had just over 10 inches, the minimum required amount needed to donate. I entrusted this deed to beautiful Rocio, my hair dresser. My sister, Elizabeth, decided that, in a show of solidarity, she'd cut her hair short too - sister power!!!

gone today......

going, going, gone.......

it's going to be a bumpy ride......

We're doing well, badly, and/or OK depending on the day!! Nova Scotia was wonderful (good). I am now on oxygen all the time which has made a huge improvement (good). I also have a wheel chair so I can go for walks (good) if I have a pusher (OK). My sister from FL was here (good) but she left last Sat (bad). I've had visitors galore (good) but I find that I really need alone/down time which has been nearly impossible with all the activity (bad). As it turns out, my employer doesn't offer any type of long term disability (bad) so I just met with a disability lawyer to file for social security disability (good) but the first possible payment I could get wouldn't be until April (bad). My lung biopsy showed that I do have the type of lung cancer that is susceptible to targeted pill treatment that carries minimal side effects (good). But, my co-pay originally was $1500 per month (REALLY BAD). If I go through a specialty pharmacy it is $885 per month (still bad). I contacted the drug manufacturer and was able to get assistance and only have to pay 20% of the co-pay (good) but that will only last for about 5 months (bad). They also have a program that links patients up with non-profits that give grants to help pay for medication (good) which I will pursue shortly. I started treatment a little over 3 weeks ago and did get the rash side effect that makes me look like I have teenage acne (bad) but it does seem to be getting better slowly (good). I had a repeat chest x-ray that "looks better" than the previous one - the larger tumor in the left lung is smaller - yea (very good) but the gazillion small tumors are still there (bad)!!!!! Also, what had looked like possible brain metastasis was no longer present on my most recent brain MRI - another yea (very good)!!!!!Unfortunately our beloved, ancient, half blind, toothless Ralphie the cat, who adopted my father after my mother died, got run over last Thursday 11/17 (very bad). Needless to say we're all very sad. He was the darling of the neighborhood and had his visitation/mooching route so I'm sure the neighbors will miss him too. So, there it is - our crazy roller coaster ride - in a nutshell.

fasten your seatbelts.........

So, here goes..... Went to my GP last Monday 9/12/11 & was having a lot of trouble breathing. She immediately sent me to the ER were they did labs, chest xray, & chest CAT scan. Xray & CAT scan looked horrendous so they immediately decided to admit me & put me in isolation for possible TB. Ended up having an echo cardiogram, broncoscopy, bone scan, brain CT, abdominal CT, & left lung biopsy with a temporary chest tube (already out). Bottom line is it's not TB so thankfully I was taken off of typhoid Mary status but it is stage 4 adenocarcinoma of the lungs which has spread to several areas of my spine. There is also a nodule on my thyroid so I will need a thyroid ultrasound, an area of thickening in my uterine lining so I will need a pelvic ultrasound, and a lesion on my brain (frontal lobe of course) which will need to be watched. The purpose of the lung biopsy was to have tissue for genetic testing on the cancer cells to determine which treatment will work best - still awaiting those results. I got home yesterday Sunday 9/18/11. I plan to go out on disability and the treatment will probably be for at least 6 months - will learn more when I meet with the oncologist. So, how about that for a hit up side the head with a 2 X 4. One of the highlights of this whole deal was having the underwear I wore into surgery returned to me in a bio hazard bag - what do you think they were trying to tell me??!! So, I'm home & doing OK - glad to be back with my handsome man & snuggling with the animals but my head is still spinning. Fran seems to be doing OK but shaky as is Rob (my son). I have several Dr's appts during the next 10 days but, as soon as we can, Fran, Rob, & I are heading to Nova Scotia by car - I can't fly b/c of recent surgery. So, basically we are in the WTF place right now. Plans are to eat massive amounts of ice cream so I can pack on the lbs & squeeze as much out of life as we can!!!! After all, it's really about LIFE anyway.