Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year????

Warning - the following may contain frank discussion of topics that may be uncomfortable for some.......

So, it's new years day today.

I have to say, it's a bit strange, freaky, funky, uncomfortable, and/or bizarre to welcome a new year that, statistically speaking, cold easily be, if not my last, close to my last. It's a feeling that has been haunting me for the last few days and has me in, dare I say it, a death grip. (sorry couldn't resist.....some of us cancer patients develop a very dark sense of humor and find ourselves quite hilarious) And, when people make a comment like "2012 has to be better than 2011", all I can think is, "not very likely".

Recently, I was looking through the information from Social Security Disability and saw that the health status of each case is periodically reviewed for purposes of stopping or continuing payments. Some cases are reviewed every 6 months, some every year or so, some every few years, and mine in 5 to 7 years. Apparently, cases that are reviewed every 5 to 7 years are those cases where "improvement is unlikely". So, there it is, in black and white.

This isn't new information to me but, for some reason, the impact was somehow greater. Maybe the combination of the new year and seeing my prognosis in impersonal rhetoric was like a double whammy. It's not that I'm afraid to die or that I fear the unknown. Maybe it's that I can speculate just a little too knowingly what the journey from here to there is likely to be. I think I'm getting a little too ahead of myself, or a little too in my head. There is always that slim possibility that I could be a statistical anomaly - especially considering that I am a mutant!!!

It may be time to crawl into the cave for a little while to do some mental/spiritual processing and centering since I'm feeling 'brown' right now. Let me explain. Remember finger painting when you were little? Remember adding each color and how beautiful your painting was? Remember adding that last color and suddenly the whole painting turned brown? Well, that's how it is - lots of different feelings all jumbled up together in a mess of brown. I need some time to tease the feelings apart and get a better handle on it, whatever it may be. 'Maybe-dying' ( as in I'm probably going to die in the near-ish future but I can't say for sure) isn't easy, but it's the maybe part, not the dying part, that causes the difficulty. I'll let you all know the outcome of my 'cave time'. 

Anyway, on a lighter note........ Happy New Year all, let's hope it's kick ass in all possible ways!!!! Thanks for all the support  ; )


  1. Thanks for sharing this with us, Fran. XO

  2. Yes, much thanks for sharing the "dark" stuff, as well as the lighter. It's all part of the package; and I don't think you could be so authentically funny, grateful, optimistic, etc, if you didn't feel free to say the hard feelings as well. I REALLY hope you remain wonderfully anomalous and things get better and not worse, but WHATEVER you're going through, I (and, I suspect, most if not all of us) really want to be in it with you.
    Here's hoping for a VERY good year.
    Much love,

  3. I'll avoid the "you've got to be kidding" and wish you a happy new day. May not post it here but you will be wished a happy new day each and very day. Thank you for sharing all your thoughts and feelings with us, the black, brown and color seperated rainbow ones. Praying for the mutant in you. John.

  4. Arrgghh! FUCK CANCER!!! Oh, and Happy New Year. Here's to continued mutantdom.
    Love, Jacquie

  5. Brown is murky and difficult but also the color of chocolate. Love you madly and 2012 may be a challenging year but it will be a good year because I still have you. Xoxoxo Cynthia

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