I love me some short hair......

I feel pretty

Oh so pretty..........

Ahhh, the unparalleled beauty of bedhead........... Could it get any better than this? I think not!!!

Happy New Year????

Warning - the following may contain frank discussion of topics that may be uncomfortable for some.......

So, it's new years day today.

I have to say, it's a bit strange, freaky, funky, uncomfortable, and/or bizarre to welcome a new year that, statistically speaking, cold easily be, if not my last, close to my last. It's a feeling that has been haunting me for the last few days and has me in, dare I say it, a death grip. (sorry couldn't resist.....some of us cancer patients develop a very dark sense of humor and find ourselves quite hilarious) And, when people make a comment like "2012 has to be better than 2011", all I can think is, "not very likely".

Recently, I was looking through the information from Social Security Disability and saw that the health status of each case is periodically reviewed for purposes of stopping or continuing payments. Some cases are reviewed every 6 months, some every year or so, some every few years, and mine in 5 to 7 years. Apparently, cases that are reviewed every 5 to 7 years are those cases where "improvement is unlikely". So, there it is, in black and white.

This isn't new information to me but, for some reason, the impact was somehow greater. Maybe the combination of the new year and seeing my prognosis in impersonal rhetoric was like a double whammy. It's not that I'm afraid to die or that I fear the unknown. Maybe it's that I can speculate just a little too knowingly what the journey from here to there is likely to be. I think I'm getting a little too ahead of myself, or a little too in my head. There is always that slim possibility that I could be a statistical anomaly - especially considering that I am a mutant!!!

It may be time to crawl into the cave for a little while to do some mental/spiritual processing and centering since I'm feeling 'brown' right now. Let me explain. Remember finger painting when you were little? Remember adding each color and how beautiful your painting was? Remember adding that last color and suddenly the whole painting turned brown? Well, that's how it is - lots of different feelings all jumbled up together in a mess of brown. I need some time to tease the feelings apart and get a better handle on it, whatever it may be. 'Maybe-dying' ( as in I'm probably going to die in the near-ish future but I can't say for sure) isn't easy, but it's the maybe part, not the dying part, that causes the difficulty. I'll let you all know the outcome of my 'cave time'. 

Anyway, on a lighter note........ Happy New Year all, let's hope it's kick ass in all possible ways!!!! Thanks for all the support  ; )

Let me get cranky for a moment, or two or three....

As we are quickly reaching December 31st, I have been looking back over this year, albeit rather superficially. I feel the need to get the cranky bits out of the way before I can move on to the more meaningful basket o' gratitude.

These are a few of the things I wish I could still do......

       put lotion on without getting out of breath
       bend down to do something without getting out of breath
       walk up the stairs without getting out of breath
       put clothes on without getting out of breath
       do something, anything, quickly without getting out of breath
       take a shower
       walk up a hill
       take a nice, long walk - without a wheelchair and especially in a snow storm
       go out for a whole day to do errands
       dance
       laugh - a real belly laugh, loud and long
       sing a whole song

I must stop this, I'm depressing myself   :  (
(Note to self - maybe it's time to consider upping the antidepressant!!!!)

But, there is a decent P.S.......

I CAN laugh, a modest little laugh that gets lost in the crowd, but a laugh nonetheless, and it's mine, all mine. I CAN go out to do errands for a few hours as long as I have a car cigarette lighter or outlet to plug in my oxygen. I CAN dance a little if I use just my top half or just my bottom half and dance like a white person. I CAN sing a line of a song, sit out for a line, and sing the next. Believe me, you won't hear anybody complaining that I'm not singing ---- just sayin'!!! I CAN take a nice, long walk if it's pathetically slow around Ikea with my oxygen concentrator in the shopping cart seat. And, there are times, not all that often, when I CAN go for 5 or 10 or maybe even 15 minutes without oxygen and not feel like a guppy that mistakenly jumped out of the fish bowl to escape pesky cat paws.

So, I guess the take home message is that, in the midst of effin' suckass-ness (please excuse my french), there can be some rays of sunshine that feel nice and warm and renewing and hopeful.

So, take that bee-otch!!!!


wishing you all a Very Happy New Year

XOXOXO    Fran  (aka Towanda)


Oh, and BTW, 2 days ago - cell phone died, car died, and someone tried to hack into my laptop......... wha???????
      

I have the best friends ever.......

My lovely friend Carol just sent me an email that bears sharing. Boy, did she nail it. Thank you Carol     :  )

Thinking of you.

And sending you this little multiple choice quiz:



BESIDES BEING A DAMN GOOD WRITER, I, FRAN, AM

a) almost unbearably itchy

b) burning, to boot

c) doing pretty well

d) sometimes very sad, scared, angry, etc

e) glad to know how much I'm loved

f) glad to be who I am

g) some of the above

h) all of the above


And, the answer, of course, is h) all of the above. But, let me add another entry between f) and g) ----> unbelievably lucky to have such great friends

May you all have a very, very merry whatever-holiday-you-happen-to-celebrate!!!!   XOXOXO  Fran

Is that a desert you're wearing or is it just your skin?

So, it seems that another side effect of Tarceva is dry skin. Now, we're not talking run of the mill it's winter and I need a little lotion kind of dry skin, we're talking award winning, parched, arid, an inch of rain per year, Gobi desert, will the rainy season start already, I can't even believe this is humanly possible kind of dry skin. Who knew you could have skin that feels like it belongs to an elephant? Certainly not me. At any moment I expect to see a herd of Wilda beasts running across my thighs. I'd really rather it be a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer - it is that season after all. I guess I'm a one woman safari experience, and I didn't even have to leave home!!!

It's Christmas today!!!!

OM freakin' G. Just heard from the legal assistant at my disability lawyer's office and I was approved. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!!!!! And it was so fast - faster than the normal  3 to 4 months. I cannot begin to say what a relief it will be to have some income again, although the first payment I'll get will be in April for March. I was actually at the point of thinking, no joke here, that I might not be able to afford to live for any significant length of time. How sick is that? And I don't even have the excuse of lesions on my brain any more. But, wait a minute...... why did I get approved so quickly? They must think the grim reaper facebook friended me already. Oh no he di'int.......... It's a good day today. And, my father is FINALLY getting new hearing aids. Yes, you read it right, he is getting one for each ear and he didn't cheap out this time. Now I won't practically pass out from yelling a conversation with him. It certainly is a good day today!  ; )

I knew I would be tired but this is ridiculous.....

OK peeps, quick thank you, love you, and apology. The outpouring of prayers, emails, cards, dinners, goodies, well wishes, love, and unbelievable support has knocked my socks off, to say the least. I had no idea that the world is filled with so many good people, and I really mean it. Thanks to all of you, my Conestoga wagons, my posse. You have provided me with an opportunity that is so full of grace and goodness to receive the wonders of your hearts. I want you all to know that I so much appreciate every awesome thing you have done for me. I apologize for not being easy to get a hold of, for not letting you know immediately how appreciative I am, and not returning phone calls faster or at all. Just know that nothing has gone unnoticed or unappreciated. You all are THE BEST and I'm sending all of you the biggest, warmest, coziest hugs. XOXOXO    love you   ; )